Thursday, September 27, 2012

Real Life

Sometimes my life is not as nice and wonderful as I would like everyone to believe. Sometimes it gets hard and down right awful.

On Sunday the 2nd after realizing I was two weeks late I took a pregnancy test, immediately two lines showed up pregnant! Honestly Kevin and I were terrified. All I could think about was; how am I going to do this, is McKenna going to get enough mommy time before the new baby arrives.

Just to be sure I took two more tests on Monday morning (we have had a false positive before) then THREE more that night, all five came up positive. Still in shock, I prayed thinking that there was no way I could do this.

By Wednesday I was able to get in to see Tina my wonderful midwife and was even able to get to see our little baby. I remember holding my breath until she found my little baby. He / she was 6 weeks and 5 days old. The heart beat was 110, we were concerned about this because ideally you would want the heartbeat to be around 120s or higher, the plan was to come back in for a follow up appointment in two weeks.

Even though I knew Tina had some concerns about this pregnancy, I left the office utterly in love with my little peanut. I was to excited to keep this news a secret and started telling close friends, already absolutely swept up in the joy and excitement of a new baby.

 I did try to be realistic telling myself that the heart beat was low and that I need to wait until my next sonogram, I wanted to prepare myself for the worst but it was almost like a snow ball effect. I would find myself day dreaming about all three of my little girls (yes, whenever I think of our future I ALWAYS picture three girls!!). Just seeing a pregnant woman would make me touch my belly. YES, I was pregnant and in May I would be holding a sweet little baby. I was in love.

Thursday morning I noticed some spotting, but thought nothing of it because with both McKenna and Brooklyn I had bleeding, I just assumed it was normal and went about my day taking it easy per Tina's request. That night I started getting a few cramps hear and there again I thought it was normal and would call Tina in the morning.

The next morning (Friday) I noticed the spotting had slowed down so I decided not to call the doctor but to spend the day on self prescribed "bed rest" around the time Kevin got home from work the cramping and bleeding was back stronger than ever. I knew. We decided that I would go to the ER alone, while Kevin stayed home with the girls, at this point it was late, I was an emotional wreck, and really didn't want to deal with any one. I needed to be alone with my baby.

I don't remember much about the emergency room visit, they gave me some meds for the pain and did a sono confirming that our baby had not made it, walked me through what to expect with a miscarriage and discharged me. By this point I couldn't cry anymore, I felt numb.

Its been a few weeks and I'm still sad and I still don't feel normal yet. I don't understand why this miscarriage is hitting me so hard, when in fact this miscarriage makes for miscarriage number three for Kevin and I. Maybe its because this time people knew or because I saw the baby.

This baby has made it painstakingly obvious to us that we want one more baby, In fact thanks to this little peanut we have set a date for when we will start trying for baby number three. Even Kevin who was dead set on only having two, has started making sweet comments to me about our next baby!

 So thank you little peanut! Thank you for the days of joy you gave me and for the clarity about our future. You were very loved and will be missed.


  1. Praying for you sweet friend. I miss seeing your face and your pretty girls!

  2. Love you and are lifting you up in prayer! Can't wait to see you again!