Sunday, February 6, 2011

Letting Go

   I guess you could say I'm lucky, I get time to say my goodbyes, I love yous and to prepare myself for the day my nanny passes. But also I get time to cry over how life will be and to turn into an emotional wreck when I cant get a hold of anyone.
   I now know for sure that my nanny knows how important she is to me and how much I love her. I have also been able to really Cherish all the time and phone conversations I get with her. Our relationship has always been really close but in this last couple of months we have really grown a much stronger bond. My heart breaks and my eyes fill up with tears every time I have to say good bye.
  Sometimes (even though I consider my self very blessed to have these last months) I find my self thinking about the negatives. Lately Kevin and I have been discussing when we would like to start trying for another baby...after almost every conversation I find myself crying, thinking that the next time my nanny wont be in the delivery room and she wont get to hold my newborn baby or give me helpful mommy tips. She tells me that she will always be with me, but I'm selfish and I want her HERE with me! I absolutely hate thinking about the future now, when I do I feel like a HUGE part of me will be missing.
  You would think all this would be a little easier over time but so far its just seems like a ticking clock and my time is running out...FAST. When ever I have to think about what she is going through the lump in my throat grows bigger and the burn of tears fill my eyes. I know my nanny is strong but really why must she endure daily radiation and monthly chemo treatments. What did this woman, who can find the good in everyone, do to deserve this...is it somehow my fault?
   I would do anything to take her place, but for now all I can do is try my hardest to make her proud of me. I want to be the best I can be, so that in 4 months when she is looking down on me she will be just as happy that I'm her granddaughter as I am to say she is my grandmother.

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